The real side effects of cancer

Dorothy explained what it was like to be diagnosed with breast cancer at the age of 26 and how being at high risk for developing ovarian cancer within the decade made major life decisions incredibly complicated for her.

You can find Dorothy on Instagram or at the Atrium Foundation website. Check out her book 26 & Fu¢ked where you can get her full story. 

Want to hear other stories from cancer patients, survivors, or co-survivors like this one? Want to share your story? Get in contact with me at: https://talkaboutcancerpodcast.com/

Please follow the podcast if you are enjoying the show. Would also be awesome if you can leave an honest rating and review so I know if I am serving the interests and needs of you listeners out there.

Have topic suggestions or feedback about the show?  Contact me on Instagram or email me at talkaboutcancerpodcast@gmail.com. 

Thank you for listening!

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My reflections on the episode:

Before speaking with Dorothy, I didn’t fully understand the unique challenges young adults face when they are diagnosed with cancer. Because my dad was already in his 60s, he didn’t have to deal with how cancer could have impacted big life decisions like finding a partner or having children. Retirement was the only key decision on the horizon for him and that was really a no-brainer. 

So it’s been really eye-opening and humbling for me to hear about how cancer has complicated Dorothy’s young adult years - having to live with fear, anxiety, and guilt. It’s amazing how she has moved through all of that and is now channeling her energy towards doing things she wants to do in life, like writing a book and starting the foundation to help others dealing with cancer. 

The other thing I really appreciated about Dorothy is how perceptive she is of the experience for her husband as a co-survivor (which BTW is a new term for me). It’s very apparent that she cares deeply about how he’s impacted by the experience of her cancer journey and this incredible empathy really has served as the foundation on which they continue to have tough conversations and grow together. 

Transcript

SPEAKER_01: 0:04

Hey everybody, welcome to episode 20 of the Talk About Cancer Podcast. This is Serena. If you're new to the show, here's a quick reminder to take a moment to hit that follow button on your podcast player so you will get new episodes each week as they're released. Also, I'm always looking for guests to share their stories, especially from voices that we don't always hear from. You can find out more about how to get on the show by going to talkaboutcancerpodcast.com. In today's episode, Dorothy came on the show to explain what it was like to be diagnosed with breast cancer at the age of 26, and how being at high risk for developing ovarian cancer within the decade made major life decisions incredibly complicated for her. Let's dive into her story now and I will check back in at the end. Welcome to the Talk About Cancer Podcast. Let's start with a quick intro and have you tell us a little bit about yourself, who you are, where you're from, and anything else you would like to share with our listeners.

SPEAKER_00: 1:10

First, I wanted to say thanks for having me. I'm super excited to talk with you today. My name is Dorothy Perettes. I am 42 years old, Austin, Texas native. I'm still here. And I am a three-time cancer survivor. I was diagnosed with cancer when I was 26 years old, breast cancer, and at that time found that I had the BRCA gene and that I have BRCA1, which is the gene that's also tied to having ovarian cancer and light clock work, like my doctors told me when I was 26. It would probably be 10 years or so before I really had to start looking at getting a lot of pre-preemptive uh surgeries and things like that done for ovarian cancer. It kind of uh just said, hey, let's let's do this. And I was diagnosed when I was 36 with ovarian cancer, and then again at 38. So BRCA has definitely, I guess, lived up to its expectations, unfortunately. But I do feel blessed that I'm still here to share my stories. That's really my focus now is helping others through their cancer journey. It's a hard struggle, it's a long road, not only for cancer patients, cancer survivors, thrivers, you know, whatever term that people really need to identify with, but also with the co-survivors. There's a big side of survivorship and I think trauma that co-survivors experience. And I think that's also a place where I really like to try to talk about those experiences that I've had with my family and my husband to try to help help that journey. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01: 3:03

Thank you so much for that intro. Yeah. Was that scary to live for those 10 years, sort of anticipating this second thing to come? What was that like for you?

SPEAKER_00: 3:17

It was scary. I think at the time I didn't really, I didn't realize that I was scared, to be honest. But looking back, I now know that I was. And it was traumatic. It was traumatic because when I was diagnosed at 26, I was given a deadline. And I was, it wasn't a life expectancy deadline, or it wasn't a a deadline as far as like a terminal illness deadline, but it was a deadline on things that I needed to get done in life if that if they were a priority to me, such as having a family. So when I found out that I was bracket positive and that I did have a predisposition for ovarian cancer, what I was alluding to in the intro about that like ovarian cancer showed up on that 10-year mark was my oncologist had told me that I literally had 10 years to do everything I wanted to do when it came to having a family, having all the children that I wanted to have. When you think about it, 10 years sounds like a long time and it doesn't sound daunting, but when you're given that time frame, it is, especially when you're single, which I was. And because of not understanding how to accept those fears and not understanding how to move through them. There's no moving past them, there's no getting over it. It's understanding how to move through that and understanding, you know, what what I needed and not just what I felt like I had to do in a certain amount of time, if that makes sense.

SPEAKER_01: 7:00

Yeah, that makes sense. Did you decide to share that with the people you were meeting at the time?

SPEAKER_00: 7:10

Yeah, you know, I did, but I didn't. I shared with them my history of cancer. I don't know if I shared with them my timeline as much. I think, and that was because I also had this other fear. I I remember one day I was sitting in the parking lot of my apartment complex, and I can't remember what what triggered me. I can't remember why I was having a hard time at that moment. But I remember sitting in that parking lot, and I ended up calling, and this was probably maybe a year and a half after my diagnosis, after after chemotherapy, after radiation, I had gotten this kind of like free and clear. But for me, since since it is a genetic cancer, it it always always comes with this butt clause, you know, you're free and clear, but you know, you're never really gonna be free and clear. You're always gonna have cancer, so to speak, just kind of waiting, waiting for it to come up, right? So I remember I had called a guy that I was dating right before I was diagnosed and through my diagnosis, and we it didn't work out for us. We had some other issues that we had to face along the way, but for some reason I called him and I said, I'm having a really hard time talking with the guy that I was now dating about what I was feeling because I felt like I was wasting time. This guy wasn't ready really to move forward, you know, wasn't ready to get married or really even have children or anything like that. And I think when looking back at the information that I relayed to the people that I was dating, I was selective about it because I was always concerned too about them saying, Oh, you're defective, you know. You have this gene. If we have children, you're gonna pass it on, you know. And do I want to do that with someone? Do I do I want to do that to my children? I mean, it's an active decision that you're having to make. So I did tell them, but I think I was very selective about what I told. And I was also painting a very uh different picture than I think the reality and the severity of the matter to me. I think I was kind of painting it with this kind of nice, uh nice background, you know, there's like little trees and butterflies, and everything will be okay. But really, it, you know, inside was a lot of turmoil and a lot of fear. And so I think I probably painted a somewhat unrealistic picture of what those deadlines really meant to me and how I was really handling them.

SPEAKER_01: 10:22

Thank you for sharing that because that's so hard.

unknown: 10:27

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01: 10:28

I mean, just dating someone and trying to find a life partner is a dicey enough process as it is, and to have this add the layer in what you said about that idea of if I shared all of it, am I going to be looked at as somehow defective? Yeah. I mean, that's it's so much.

SPEAKER_00: 10:50

Yeah, it was hard. It was it was that, and I was also afraid of somebody saying, No problem, I will accept that fully. You know, I love you, let's do this. We get married, we move into our life together, and then I find out I can't have children, right? Because because chemotherapy can throw that off. It can throw women into early menopause or it can just cause just who knows, you know. I mean, it's poison being pumped through your body, right? Right. So who knows what could happen. And so I had the fear of even if I did find somebody who was accepting of that, we move into the stage, we go to start trying to have children, it can't happen, and then that person leave me because they really want children.

SPEAKER_01: 11:38

Right.

SPEAKER_00: 11:38

You know, I also I also had that other side of my fear as well. And I think that's why, you know, like I was saying, I think subconsciously, I think I did keep people a little bit at an arm's length. I didn't give a hundred percent into the people that I brought into my life. And I I would find some sort of reason that it wasn't working out, that I needed to leave, that they weren't ready. I I there was always kind of something going on there because of those fears that I didn't know how to understand at the time.

SPEAKER_01: 12:15

So, did you and your husband now then have to have conversations about all of this before you decided to get married?

SPEAKER_00: 12:26

We did have conversations about it. And and it's the it the way that our conversations were very uh started were very interesting. When my husband and I first met, you know, it's very kind of typical, I guess, but maybe not anymore. But we we met at a bar, you know, struck up conversation, had drinks, it was great, did the whole texting on the phone thing for a little while, and then we finally met and we we went on our kind of like first date, and he invited me back to his apartment after we'd had some drinks and and was like, I have a little dog, you know, I gotta go let my dog out. And I'm like, Yeah, yeah, right, you have a dog. Okay, you know, but sure, let's let's go. So we went back to his apartment. He's telling the truth, he did have a little dog, and we um ended up just staying up, you know, talking and having a few more drinks, and then at the end of the night, I remember giving him a big hug and he asked me, just kind of very, very proud of himself, kind of asking, like, uh, oh, when did you get your breast done? Right. And I was like, that's an interesting question, you know? And I said, Well, uh, I had breast cancer, and so I had to have a mastectomy. And it was kind of like, oh, yeah, because I think in the past several decades, women getting getting breast enhancements and things like that are it's become part of a social norm. And so people think that they can ask questions sometimes, and it's just you know, society. You you you have drinks, or whether you have drinks or you don't have drinks, people feel very liberal with the questions that they like to ask other people, right? And so I was like, well, I guess if somebody can ask me that question, I can be very honest with them. And it was it was very like I I saw I saw the like take and aback response reaction from the answer. And so what was interesting about that is it opened up the door for us to be able for me to be really be able to be very open with him about my cancer experience, uh, my cancer life, my life with cancer, because it's there's never not going to be a life without cancer for me. And so it did kind of push us into a new stage of our relationship. I mean, it was it was early and it was quick, but because of that question, we did talk a lot about it. And as we grew our relationship, I think it helped us understand more about what we wanted in our life. I think age has something to do with that as well. Uh we met when I was 34, he was 32. So, you know, we're we're a little bit older, we're not, we weren't in our 20s.

SPEAKER_01: 15:21

Right.

SPEAKER_00: 15:22

And we did, though, talk about children. We talked about cancer. But what's interesting is even though I told him about my gene, I told him about my my reoccurrence percentage of having cancer again, my possibility of not being able to have children, all of that stuff, he was very open and accepting of those things. I think we found a lot of common ground in the kind of second stage of our relationship. And the reason why I say that is we we kind of did go through a typical moment of we dated, we weren't on the same page, and it didn't have anything to do with cancer, really. It just had to deal with where we were at with what we wanted out of our relationship. So we split up. And in that time, I think it it kind of caused both of us to really think about what we wanted, who we wanted to be with, what kind of relationship we wanted to have. So we got back together, and after that, we quickly knew that we wanted to be together, we wanted to have a family, we wanted to get married, and he knew about my timeline. So when we got married, my doctors, you know how I was saying before they had given me 10 years, my doctors had had more time with information, more time with data collection. Obviously, between 26 to 34, there's now more time to gather the data on the timelines that people have. And they gave me like a couple extra years. And so my husband knew I really wanted to try to have children. So we kind of rushed into getting married, but we did it because we he wanted us to be able to try to have children before that deadline approached, but we wanted to be married. We're traditionalists in some sense, but we're also go against the grain in other senses, but we wanted to be married before we tried. So we got married and we started trying. And so through that course of us dating, being broken up, being engaged, having discussions about the life we wanted to have with each other, there were a lot of talks about my cancer. It was very known to him, or at least in my perspective, um, very known to him about my fears, my wants, wanting to have children, the next step, you know, my timelines for when I would have to have a full hysterectomy, because that's the preventative measure when you have BRCA and you have the percentage of having a variant cancer, that's what you have to do. That's what the timeline is about is full hysterectomy, ovaries, everything, uterus, the whole line. And so he had gone to doctor's appointments with me. So he was well aware and very knowledgeable of all of those things. But what ended up happening is we did become pregnant shortly after we got married. I had a miscarriage. It was hard, it was tough. Didn't talk about it a whole lot at the start of because you know it's it's another thing that you have to understand. There was a lot of guilt. Did I eat too many cookies? Should I not have gone walking on the treadmill, you know? Uh oh, I should have used that supplement they gave me. You know, there's all sorts of things that run through your mind.

SPEAKER_01: 19:00

Right.

SPEAKER_00: 19:01

And to to take a step back for a second when you were asking me about were those 10 years between 26 and 36, um, just kind of waiting around for cancer, were those scary, was that scary for me? Part of that regiment, knowing that you have a genetic predisposition to cancer, part of the regiment in that 10-year time frame was going and seeing a gynecologist, oncologist at least once a year for testing and scans and vaginal ultrasounds and MRIs and you know, the whole thing. Like I was on this regiment, blood tests, everything, right? So my husband knew about those. He had come to a couple of those with me, had met my gynecologist, oncologist. She's kind of like an older sister. And when I had my miscarriage, I had skipped, I think, a couple of doctors' appointments with her because I just didn't want to be around doctors. I think that was part of the way I was dealing with the trauma of the miscarriage, was like ignoring my health, ignoring that side of things. I didn't want to go to a doctor, I didn't want to get any checkups. I just like wanted to not deal with any of that. And nine months, I think or so, nine months after we got married, probably about five months after the miscarriage, I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer, stage three B ovarian cancer. So it was a semi-aggressive stage. It had spread into my abdomen. And so the conversations with my husband, it's it's interesting that you asked the question, did we have to have those conversations about my timelines and and everything that would come with this? We did. He was aware, he was open, he was more than willing to support me through whatever would come with that. But something that he has said since having to go through the experience with me, like literally having to go through it, right? Having to see me go through the surgeries, having to see me go through chemo, having to see me go through all of the checks that you have after you've been diagnosed, being sick, the weight loss, the insomnia, the constipation, like everything that you can think of that comes with a cancer diagnosis, he's told me and others. No matter how many conversations that you have, how much reading that you do, how many doctors' visits that you go to, nothing actually can really prepare you for the experience itself. In seeing somebody that you love have to go through that and move through it and just kind of feel sidelined, like you're there and you're helping, but like experiencing it, he said, I never imagined it would be what it was.

SPEAKER_01: 22:26

That really resonates with me as a caregiver to my dad in the past. And I would say I'm someone, you know, in situations like this, I just endlessly research, right? I find all the information that I can out there with with Google and support groups and research institutions, I guess the experience nobody prepares me for it. And I used to say that I used to say I still say that because I don't have children. That's what I say about my experience with my dad, which is that I did not understand the feeling of being heartbroken until I had to see my dad go through cancer. I was like, oh, that's that's what that word means. Like when parents say, I'm heartbroken because my child was picked on at school, it never really like made sense to me. But when I went through the journey with my dad, I was like, now I get it. Yeah, I know what that word means. It's not just a cheesy pop song term, it really feels like your heart is breaking. So thank you for sharing that because that makes sense.

SPEAKER_00: 23:36

Of course, of course, and and I think it's it's an absolutely, absolutely true statement. I I hadn't thought of it that way, but that's exactly how I can see my husband feeling about those things because we're the same, we don't have children, but it's the same with like my family as myself, my husband, my mom, his mom. Both of our fathers have passed, and I feel like, and this is just my observation, I have a sentiment that caregivers, whether that be a parent, a best friend, your life partner, when they have to watch somebody, their partner, their daughter, their child, their husband, their mother, their father, go through this and walk through them with it. In my mind, our co-survivors almost have it harder than than we do as cancer patients and survivors going through it because everybody has a plan for you. Your doctors, right? Science, you know, you have the surgery, you do chemo, you do radiation, you do checkups. There's a path forward. It may be bleak, even if you have. I I have known people who have had terminal diagnosis, and so it may not be the best plan forward, but there are people who are helping you have a plan and helping you move through it. Co-survivors, there is no plan. You're there and you're walking with that person, but for you to have to just hope that those plans are the best plans, hope that that person walks through it okay, you know? Hope that they don't break while they're going through it, or that you don't break while you're going through it. It's a whole nother, I hate to sound cliche, but it's a whole nother ballgame. And I think that there is not enough focus on that in the cancer community. There should be way more focus. The trauma that my husband feels is a much different trauma than what I feel. And neither one is more important than the other. It's not about that, it's about everybody who is in this, is really in this together, and everybody experiences these traumas in different ways. And it's heartbreak on both ends. It's heartbreak on both ends.

SPEAKER_01: 26:23

Yeah. And plan or no plan. Plan or no hard. It's hard. It's hard. Yeah, yeah. And so we talked about how you and your husband, you know, entered this together, which is very interesting, like that question, right? Kind of a very naive question. Right. On the on the first date. Yeah. But that set you on the path to be able to actually be more open about what's happening and really actually being able to take you forward to the place to say, is this the right person? So I don't know, it was meant to be, yeah, I guess.

SPEAKER_00: 27:08

I think so. Absolutely. Do you guys see it that way? You know, we we see it that way, but that does put a new light to it. It really does. Because I know the men that I had in my life before I met my husband, they were good people, strong people, people who I think would have been there. So I'm not trying to demean the relationships or who they are in any way when I say this. But I know that I would not have been able to be where I'm at today if it had not been for my husband and the person who he is, you know, who he is as an individual. I now realize it took me a while to be ready to be married. There was a lot of growth that I had to go through. I think when I was 26, I was finding myself, I was learning myself, I was understanding who I was and what I wanted. I was coming into myself as a woman, as an adult. And then it all paused because of my diagnosis. I feel like I maybe took a step backwards or some step sideways and around, you know, all over the place. Because it's it's you you go through the diagnosis. Like I said, you get on a plan. Everybody has your plan and you it's an action plan, and you're going and you have like your calendars full for like six months. You're going, going, treatment, this checks, scans, radiation, blood work, surgery, you're going, you know, you I mean, like I was literally given like a planner that was already pre-filled out with some like dates, you know, for it. And then when I came out of everything, six months to a year later, it was like, okay, where am I at? You know, who am I now? There was a whole lot of other things I now had to bring into my life as a part of who I was, and I didn't know what those meant at the time. It was learning over, and so I granted I had to be ready for marriage, but my husband walking through it with me, I wouldn't have been able to come out in the way that I have without his mindset, without his points of view, without him coming into who he was as an individual, also, and pulling me out of some hard times, being ready to be kind of like my life raft when I needed it, or to be my support when I felt like I needed to do something that I had never done before. For and to stand by that, even if it was reluctant, or if he thought it was scary or risky, but being there to say, I see you and I see what you need, and if this will help you move forward, I'll be there to do that. And I think there is a level of maturity that has to come with walking with somebody with cancer. And again, I'm I'm not saying that the people who were in my life before wouldn't have done that, but I think finding each other was meant to be because of the things that we had gone through throughout our life to bring us to be able to handle those situations together when the time came. Yeah, it's uh that's a deep question.

SPEAKER_01: 30:51

How has that journey together continued to impact your relationship today?

SPEAKER_00: 30:59

It's had its ups and downs. At the end of the day, we grow together because I think me going through the through cancer three times and having a perspective of life is short, you know, it's not a t-shirt, it's not a pump or sticker, and sorry if I get emotional, it is short because we don't know when those things are gonna creep up again. Whether you've had cancer or not, whether it is genetic or it's not genetic, we are human beings who are prone to illnesses and disease and accidents. And I think that that realization has set in for me in a way that isn't, it's not like a like I need to go climb Mount Everest, you know, and like do those types of things, but it has set in in a way that it's like there are things that I want to have in life, things that I want to do in life, experiences that I want to see and feel, not just like going out and things like that, but also in my relationship with my husband and him having to see me go through things and him being introduced to a world that is it's out there, but it's not. I mean, people know about cancer and people know about Lip Strong and Susan Koman races and things like that, but kind of going back to what we were saying before, unless you're in it, until you get in it, you don't really understand what that means. So we've had moments where we're on the same page about what experiencing life means, and we've had moments when we're not. And at the end of the day, though, we do want to come together and understand each other, even if it's hard. I mean, we've had some breakdowns. I've had some breakdowns, my husband's had some breakdowns. We've had some arguments walking around the block. We're talking about something and we're not on the same page, and all of a sudden we're getting loud and we're like, you know, walking around the block in the neighborhood and looking like a bunch of crazy people, probably to everybody who's like watching us. Like, why are they so in such a passionate conversation? You know. We've gotten in arguments over how to make coffee. But when it comes down to it, we have to say, what is it that we're really trying to get out here? It's not about coffee. It's not the walk around the block. It's because of the differences in how we see things and the different fears that we have. I'm afraid of it coming back and me not experiencing or doing some of the things that I've wanted to do, you know, or uh just doing, just doing. I mean, it doesn't even have to be like, you know, like I was saying, like climbing Mount Everest. Maybe it is just doing, going and seeing a music show, going out to eat to a new restaurant, you know, going to Paris. I don't know, just doing, right? Where my husband wants to protect me. My husband wants to keep me safe. My husband doesn't want to lose me. So his fear is different. And it took us a while to understand those differences in our fears before we were able to really talk about it. We were butting heads a lot. I was like, you're trying to control me. You don't understand me. Why don't you want to go anywhere? I feel like we're wasting life. And he's like, we're together. You know, that's that's what matters, right? And I'm like, yeah, that matters. That's not what I'm saying, you know. So it took a lot of like back and forth before we understood what I what we were talking about with the the trauma between the survivors and your partners or your caregivers or your support. It's a very different trauma. And yeah, we've had ups and downs and we've had to move through them, but we do say that it has made us stronger. And it comes with work though. It comes with pushing through the hard times, it comes with introspection on both parts, and it has come with us understanding that in our relationships, there's actually three relationships. There's my relationship with myself as Dorothy, and understanding who Dorothy is and what Dorothy needs and wants in her life from her experiences, from her personal life before and after her husband, and during it with her husband. There's my husband's relationship with himself and who he is as Isaac, as an individual, what he needs, what he wants, and then there's us together. And without us understanding the dynamic of those three things, we may not be where we're at today. It could have broken us, you know, it really could have.

SPEAKER_01: 36:38

That's such a wise way of putting that. How are the two of you today? Is it more just of a compromise?

SPEAKER_00: 36:47

You know, today we're actually on the same page, to be honest. We, my husband and I are planning, we're planning a move to Oregon. And it's a big move for us. It's a big move because we didn't think we were gonna do any more moving. And we're just like because it's so much fun. It's so much fun. Oh my goodness. It's, you know, the going through things and what about jobs, and you know, will we like it? We've never lived there before. What are we doing? You know? And right now it's it's an amazing time for us because there is compromise, but it's not compromise in the way that I used to think what compromise meant. You know, when I was younger, I used to think compromise meant sacrifice, right? I used to hear compromise, and I also heard complacency. I also heard settling, I also heard giving something up, changing who you are in negative ways. Now it is all of those things, but it's all of those things in a positive way, especially when you're in a relationship. There are compromises, there is sacrifice, there is sometimes complacency, but it's all in the name of like you and that person coming together on the same plane and growing together in a new way that you would not have done as an individual, and learning something about yourself and about that other person, right? So this move to organ has come with a lot of talks, years of talking about moving. Where would we go? Where would we both like it? Where would we both feel happy? Where would we both have some needs met? And something that I've heard my husband say a lot recently, Friday, I think it was, while we were in the car when we were talking about the move, and and he said to me, You know, honey, I want to make sure that you're happy. I want to make sure that you're fulfilled in life. You deserve to be. You've been through so much. I want you to experience those things in life that you want to experience because life is short, and we don't know when something could happen, we don't know when it could come back. And he said, You don't owe anybody anything. F it. If it's something that you want to do, you should do it. And he goes, within reason, of course, you know, and I'm like, of course, of course. But I never really thought about things that way before, you know, and and I never heard him say it in a way that he was very convicted about it. And those moments are when I'm like, this is what a relationship is about. It is about understanding where each of us are coming from and wanting to really give that all, whether it be something that you're really 100% behind or not, to make sure that the person that you've committed to is fulfilled. And I hope that I'm doing the same for him. I really do. I can only hope that I am as supportive as he has been of me. And I know that this move, it's not only about me, it's about all of us. It's about having kind of a new beginning together, having a new adventure together, making new memories and having a new experience together. So today we're on the same page, but tomorrow we may not be. And I know that that's how it's supposed to be. We're not always supposed to be on the same page. We're supposed to be here to challenge each other, to help each other grow, to help each other see things in new ways, experience things in new ways, but we're also supposed to be here to compromise with each other and support each other, even if sometimes you're you're not 100% behind it. So, but but yeah, today, today we're on the same page, and it's enlightening, it's fulfilling, and it's nothing short of special.

SPEAKER_01: 41:29

Thank you. Yeah, it's a testament to how much work the two of you have done together.

SPEAKER_00: 41:35

It's work, it's very true, and that's what makes it rewarding is the work that you put into it. It's like running a marathon. You don't just get up and do it, right? You practice, you start out short, you train, it's the same thing.

SPEAKER_01: 41:50

It was making me think of all the ways that I am stubborn with my husband taking notes here.

SPEAKER_00: 41:59

Yeah. We grew more and we grew closer after we had had those really difficult conversations, and after we had said things that we probably were hiding from one another for a while. Once we said them, it's like this light bulb goes off. It's like an epiphany. So, kind of going back to how I was saying, I wanna, I want to experience things and I want to get out and I want to do things, and I feel like if I'm just sitting around watching Netflix, I'm life is wasting away. I'm missing something somewhere, I'm missing life. Things are passing me by. And so for a while I didn't say those things because I know that my husband enjoys being home, watching Netflix, and I didn't want to hurt his feelings. If I had said those things, I didn't want to make him feel like something was wrong with our relationship, that I didn't enjoy being with him. I didn't want an argument to happen from that because that's not my intention. That's not what I mean, but I could see how it was taken that way. On the flip side, he didn't want to tell me that he was scared of me dying. And we would argue about little things, and we were like, why are we arguing about this? And then one day I think it kind of came to its head, as you know, as people say. And he literally was like, I'm scared. I don't want anything to happen to you. I'm scared of you not being here. I'm scared of you dying, and I don't have you anymore. And then I was like, I understand now, right? It wasn't easy for me to hear, and it wasn't like instantly everything was wonderful, but at least we understood each other. At least I understood where he was coming from now. So now we can compromise, especially coming out of COVID and a lot of people being scared about getting COVID and dying. That's what you heard a lot. You get COVID, you die, you get COVID, something really bad happens to you. You get COVID, you go to the hospital, and nobody can see you for six months, you know. And it didn't set into me the same way that it said into him that if I got COVID, that again, this is another thing that he would have to potentially watch me go through that is life-threatening, that could take away his wife. I didn't get it. I was like, hey, we can get out, we can wear a mask, we can set outdoors. I just want to go have some drinks with my girlfriends. What's the big deal? Why are you controlling me? You know? And then when he finally was like, I'm afraid of you getting something and dying, and I and then I won't have you, it was like, oh, okay, now we can work it out. You know, now I get it. What can I do to fulfill the need that I need to have? But how can I reassure you that I will do everything that I can possibly do to not put myself at risk? So it is difficult, and having those conversations are hard because, like you said, in a relationship, one of the things we don't want to do is ruffle each other's feathers. But I've come to realize that by not saying those things, maybe even not having some arguments, you're actually not growing. And if anything, under the hood, you might be breaking down a little bit because you both have chosen each other for a reason. And first and foremost, you're there to help each other learn and grow, become into who you are. And so having those crucial conversations, while they're scary, it's still scary to me, even with my husband. Sometimes, you know, I get a little nervous and I start like doing things with my hands. It's not in me to create conflicts that may be what it seems like, but without having those conversations, you're kind of blanketing things and you're not healing. Talking about what you're feeling, talking about your fears of living, dying, and especially when you're going through cancer with somebody. I feel like those are the things that bring you together, is is having those conversations.

SPEAKER_01: 46:32

Thank you for calling that out. Yeah. That's a very important point. Before we close, also want to just highlight your projects that you have been working on, your book and also your foundation. Please tell us a little bit about those things.

SPEAKER_00: 46:47

Yes, yeah. Thank you for bringing those up. So I recently, last year in October, I self-published my book called 26 and Fucked.

SPEAKER_01: 46:56

The F word is very cathartic for the cancer community.

SPEAKER_00: 46:59

I think, I think so, yeah, because it's how you feel. It's how I felt. My book is all around my real life experience. It is like a personal narrative of what I went through for that year and a half to two years as a young woman navigating my life through cancer. It's not like my chemo story. I mean, chemo's involved, but it's not really highly based on the medical aspect. It's based on the life aspect and what I call the real side effects of cancer, which is the impact it has on your life and on the people around you. Um, very much like your podcast. So yeah, it's out right now, it's on Amazon. It's better to search it by my last name, uh, Paredes, P-A-R-E-D-E S. Uh, because if you if you type the word 26 and fucked in, you get a lot of really weird results. Like it'll come up, but you'll get some other weird things. So just uh yeah, just search by my name. So that's that's one thing that I'm doing. The reason why I wrote that was a couple of reasons. One is because I do think that there needs to be more of an aspect in the cancer medical community on mental health and wellness, on the emotional trauma that cancer survivors, patients, and their support network go through. Because, granted, while you're given a plan, you're not talking about what you're experiencing feeling-wise, emotional-wise, the trauma, the thoughts that you have at night when you're going to sleep or in the car when you're by yourself or when you're in the Starbucks line. So I wrote the book because I do think it's important for people to hear, read, understand the real life stories of cancer, the life effects of cancer. But I'm also started that as a path into my larger life passion, which is I started a foundation this year called the Atrium Foundation. You can find us at atriumfoundation.org or um we're on Instagram, uh atrium underscore foundation. And that is all about helping people through their cancer journey by providing financial assistance for medical bills, life expenses like your mortgage, your rent, utility payments. If you need something to help you through your mental health and wellness, a therapy session, a class, creative arts, whatever, or end of life expenses. Because as we all know, cancer and living through cancer is expensive. If you don't have insurance that covers things, I mean it's ridiculous to hear the stories. People literally lose their homes, their cars, go into an insane amount of debt just trying to live. You know, you go into debt because of it, that's not right. And so all the proceeds of my book go into the foundation. And yeah, that's my passion is the foundation helping people through that journey. The last thing people should have to worry about is a bill. And so we would love to be able to take some of that stress and that pressure off of people as they're going through their journey, co-survivors and cancer patients.

SPEAKER_01: 50:24

Great. And I will put information to your sites in my show notes.

SPEAKER_00: 50:30

So thank you so much, Dorothy, for sharing part of your journey today. Thank you for having it. It's amazing what you're doing. So really appreciate the voices that you're providing for people as well.

SPEAKER_01: 50:43

You know, before speaking with Dorothy, I didn't fully understand the unique challenges young adults face when they're diagnosed with cancer. Because my dad was already in his 60s when he was diagnosed. So we didn't have to deal with how cancer could have impacted major life decisions like finding a partner or having children. Retirement was the only big decision on the horizon for him. And that was really a no-brainer. So it's been really eye-opening and humbling for me to hear about how cancer has complicated Dorothy's young adult years, having to live with fear, anxiety, and guilt with everything that she's gone through. It's really amazing how she has moved through all of that and is now channeling her energy towards doing things she wants to do in life, like writing the book and starting the foundation to help others deal with cancer. The other thing I really appreciate about Dorothy is how perceptive she is of the experience of her husband as a co-survivor, which by the way is a new term for me. It's very apparent that she cares deeply about how he's impacted by the experience of being a co-survivor. And this incredible empathy really has served as the foundation on which they continue to have tough conversations and grow together. And that's a wrap for today. Please follow the podcast if you would like to hear more stories from cancer patients, survivors, and co-survivors. I would really appreciate it if you can leave an honest rating and review in Apple Podcasts or Podchaser so I know if I'm serving the interests and needs of you listeners out there. You can also share any feedback and suggestions directly to me by visiting talkabout cancer podcast.com. Thank you for listening.